Hardly Working

by Scott Martin

Had my employee performance evaluation the other day. I hate to brag, but my rating fell somewhere between “meets expectations” and “keeps chair warm.”

My supervisor and I did the usual dance about duties and contributions, global competencies and focus areas, blah-blah-blah and yadda-yadda-yadda. Bottom line: I get to stay out of the unemployment line. 

Just once, I’d like to participate in an honest performance evaluation, which would look something like this: 

Goals

–Cut in half the time it takes to close cycling website and bring up Fiscal Year Q3 spreadsheet when boss walks into cubicle. 

–Increase core competency skills by traveling to professional enhancement seminars, as long as they don’t start before 9 a.m. and are held in areas with nice weather or at hotels with stationary bikes.

–Squeeze 75-minute ride into lunch hour. May involve overcoming the space-time continuum, which could also offer our company a competitive edge in the marketplace.

–Convince cute co-worker that helmet head is actually hip $75 haircut.

Achievements

–Developed 3 effective late-for-work excuses to go with classic bike commuter’s flat-tire alibi: 1) road closure forced hilly detour; 2) stopped to administer CPR to wheelchair-bound nun; 3) knocked into ditch by road-raging motorist but came into work anyway because of tremendous loyalty to awesome supervisor. 

–Devised booby trap for desk drawer to keep nosy, ravenous co-workers out of personal stash of energy bars.

–Came up with evasive answer about my bike’s value from shifty maintenance guy who everyone says is selling bootleg office supplies on eBay. 

–Helped control company’s healthcare costs by serving as fitness role model while improving office morale by enduring endless cracks about Lycra shorts, shaved legs and surreptitious trips to vending machine for 4:30 p.m. Ding Dongs. 

Scott Martin has been writing about cycling for more than 15 years. He worked as an editor for Bicycling magazine for 10 of them and wrote the “Scott’s Spin” column for RBR from which this is republished. He has also covered cycling for several national magazines.