Question: I’m a long-time cyclist and I usually ride by myself or with other guys who can really hammer hard because I ride fast. But recently, a new neighbor, who has seen me out on my bike, has been bugging me to take him along. He has an old bike, but he’s not been a cyclist, and I doubt he could match my speed. But beyond that, he’s awkward to be around and seems emotionally needy, and I wouldn’t enjoy his company. But he keeps asking to ride with me. Any suggestions? —Anonymous
RBR’S STAN PURDUM REPLIES: Feeling as you do, it would be best to have a kind but direct conversation with him. Tell him plainly of your preference to ride alone or with others who can already keep up. If he says he could learn, be truthful and tell him you’re not into teaching.
Avoid offering excuses, especially ones that could engender hope that you might accommodate him at some other time. Statements like, “I don’t have time right now,” or “I have other plans today” may be heard as an invitation to ask again at a more convenient time. You would be better to say something like “I only ride with established speed demons,” or “I have a training objective when I ride that doesn’t work with others” than to set yourself up to have to say no all over again. Avoid over-explaining: Providing reasons can lead to unwanted negotiations,
If there happens to be a bike club in your area, you could suggest that he check that out, as most clubs have group rides, and often at least some of those rides cater to new riders.
But whether there’s a club or not, you could offer your neighbor a word of encouragement regarding cycling, maybe saying something like, “Although it won’t work for us to ride together, let me encourage you to get out there on our own and try cycling. It’s been a great activity for me and many others, and you too could find some fulfillment and fun in it.”
That statement may or may not be useful for your neighbor, especially if what he is really seeking is friendship or a listening ear rather than a just riding companion, but it does show that you’ve listened to what he did say.
In that regard, it’s helpful to understand that with a truly needy person, the presented request may not be what the person is actually seeking. Back in my college days, I once attended an “encounter group” as part of a psychology class assignment. While there, a young woman aired a personal problem: Her low-paying job made it necessary for her to live with her mother, but the two didn’t get along well, and the woman felt that conversationally and emotionally, her mom didn’t stay within healthy boundaries and kept interfering with her daughter’s life. So several group members made suggestions about how the woman might address her mother regarding these intrusions. But in each case, the woman responded to the suggestions with statements that began with “That won’t work because ….” Finally, after she’d dismissed as unworkable about five suggestions from other participants, the convener said to her, “It sounds to me like you don’t want to solve this problem.” The woman seemed taken aback, but finally said, “That might be right.” That admission led to a whole new discussion wherein the woman began to explore some deeper issues with how she related to others.
Sometimes confrontational truth can be helpful. But most of the time, we simply don’t know enough about the other person’s life for confrontation to be useful. Direct, straightforward, and honest responses, kindly given, are usually the best we can do.
Stan Purdum has ridden several long-distance bike trips, including an across-America ride recounted in his book Roll Around Heaven All Day, and a trek on U.S. 62, from Niagara Falls, New York, to El Paso, Texas, the subject of his book Playing in Traffic. Stan, a freelance writer and editor, lives in Ohio. See more at www.StanPurdum.com.
you can ride at your own pace but stop or go back to be with the friend/neighbor
i used to ride circles around my XGF, literally
going up a hill, i would turn around now and then, go back, pass her going down, turn around and pass her again
she was ok with it 🙂
or you could blast up the hill then rest and wait
wle
Larry, spoken like a true gentleman. Your suggestion is exactly what I do and other friends do when riding with friends that don’t “keep up” due to a wide disparity in cycling speed/abilities. This also means that you, your slower friend, and anyone else in the group knows the route to follow. Another “trick” is to toss-in some out-and-back climbs with the acknowledged understanding that slower folks will turn around when they see you and other lead riders descending down. Or, toss-in a couple detours that allow you to pop-out behind your friend that’s doing their best on the set route. Afterall, if you actually LIKE the slower rider, then you’re willing to make adjustments and this minimal adjustment to enjoy their company.
Just tell your new “fan” he is welcome to join you, but to understand you ride 50-60 miles at 16-17 mph, with no designated food stops. That should end the conversation.
Awful response Stan! just go ahead and perpetuate that road riders are snobs!! Go for a ride with the guy. See how it goes. Maybe give him a few tips. It’s just one ride.
Agreed, help the guy out and you don’t need to commit to a long term deal – make it a recovery ride
I agree with Doug, be a “mensch” (good guy). go for a short ride, give him pointers, safety advice, etc. You will both be better off.
Suggest your neighbor hook up with a local bike club and explain that rides are assigned different pace levels and that he might start with the most casual. That gets you off the hook and gives him something to grab onto.
maybe you could suggest a beginners ride, but you go with him to that first one. to acquaint w the others, and provide advice and niceness
assuming you have time
I have no idea what you do when you ride with people on a trip. Not like you have a conversation.
however.
There are strong reasons to ride in a pack.
Visibility.
Anger diffusion. One Goose is an object of hatred and scorn esp when the sidewalk is the only area it poops on. A flock of geese is at most an annoyance. The anger gets spread out. This occurs with all human groups.
Stan, you are right…it’s just like dating, be honest
Just ride with him once and he’ll see what a dick you are and won’t bother you again.
You’re really saying that you don’t want to be friend to this guy, at least not on the bike. If you did want to be a friend you could offer to do a short social ride with him. He doesn’t have the ability to keep up with you. You have the choice to ride at his pace. You just don’t want to do that. So tell him that.
The neighbour needs to “find his people” and perhaps local bike stores or bike clubs or community organizations or charities (etc) have public fun/easy rides he could join, or there is a bike path network they could give them a map of. Also, a learn to bike/bike safety class would be a way for them to meet other novice cyclists. Here in my home area motorcyclists have to take mandatory safety/learning course and my pals who did this discovered the people in the class have become their riding-friends group.
They could even take them on a little tour of the bike paths, so then the neighbour would have an idea where they could go and ride, Many people don’t like to explore, but will go back to a place they’ve already been to.
Letter writer could spend a few minutes researching this for their neighbour.
It’s no fun to ride for five minutes and then stop and wait ten minutes for the ride partner to catch up (true story!).
A lot of good advice for and against. Personally I have recovery days and recovery weeks when I’m riding at conversational pace. And there are gravel rides or even (dare I say) bike path rides that are purposefully scenic. Maybe you might see a different side of this person or maybe it’s one and done. I like to think we are ambassadors to the sport.
I agree. A recovery ride with a destination such as a SB or some other cafe is my favorite way of including folks who are not that capable. In fact I’ve been known to ride my fixie so I can get a work out in. I’ve done 175 of theses “coffee rides” over the past 3 years.
Cycling is not an exclusive sport based on fitness level it’s an enjoyable activity that needs more interested people who want to participate not cyclists who are arrogant and narcissistic
This makes me recall when a “team member” of mine was looking for someone to ride with. I average 17-19 in group rides and said I would love to ride. He then told me his average is 28-30 mph in group rides. So it would not work. I didn’t realize he was an undiscovered pro! Nor did Strava, which showed his average a solid 14-16. People can be such jerks. Just be honest and chill out.
Thanks for all the feedback.
Seems like the majority of posters here were enabled to ride at peak levels of performance from the start on the best equipment available to a beginner… Pity they don’t remember getting started or better recovering from scratch from a serious injury. Everybody has to start or start over. It’s good to provide a helping hand.. it helps karma adjust the ego too
I lead a ride on Saturdays for friends only that now have upwards of 15 riders. Most of them started after they heard my cycling stories of going here and there. When they started they were not very fit and now most of them are stronger than me (most are 15 to 20 years younger!). They do not mind giving the draft to keep me in their pace. Last week a cousin asked to join us and to borrow one of my bikes. He bonked! And, I told the other guys to go ahead while I did sprints back and forth (it was actually a good interval training for me) so he could finish the longest bike ride of his life (45 miles). I should have invited him for a day alone with me to better measure how much he could do and now I invite him on the days I am trying to recoup. He is 25 years younger and I am sure before the summer is over I will need to draft on him!