How do I talk to my longtime riding buddy about his scary riding?
Question: I’ve ridden with the same friend for almost 30 years, and in the past year he’s become genuinely scary to ride with. He drifts toward the center line when he’s talking, and he’s rolled through two intersections lately without so much as a glance. Last month a pickup missed him by a couple of feet, and he laughed it off before I could even say anything. He’s always been the stronger rider of the two of us, which somehow makes this harder to bring up. I don’t want to insult him, and I really don’t want to lose my riding partner. But I also don’t want to be there the day it goes wrong. How do I have this conversation? —Anonymous
RBR’S STAN PURDUM REPLIES: I understand your sense that this could be a hard conversation, but you’re right that you need to have it. That 30 years of friendship should be enough to convince him that you have his well-being in mind, and you being that one to broach the subject is much different from unsolicited advice from a stranger or even from a casual acquaintance. But if he takes umbrage from the concern of his long-time friend and riding companion, that may signal that he’s already noticed some danger in his attention lapses that he doesn’t want to face, but needs to.
Whatever the case, it’s probably best to have this conversation when you’re not actually riding, as whatever feelings the talk engenders may pull his focus even more away from safe cycling at that moment. Bring your concern up at a more relaxed time, maybe over coffee after the ride, but not while others are present, which could embarrass him and make him more defensive.
It would be useful to decide beforehand what your response will be if your friend rejects your observations and refuses to consider that he could have a problem. Will it be, “I don’t want to lose you as a friend, but if this problem continues, you and I cannot ride together anymore”? Will it be “We can still ride together, but I’m going to point out the dangerous things you are doing as they happen”? Will it be, “Ask our other cycling friends what they’ve noticed about your riding safety”? Will it be to have a private conversation with his wife? Or something else?
The standard advice for starting conversations such as this is to use “I” statements: Instead of starting with, “You’ve become a danger on the road,” try saying “I’ve been thinking about this because I’ve seen a few near-misses lately, and I want to make sure we’re both safe.”
But the “I” statements can only go so far. At some point, you will likely need to get specific: “You seem to be having attention lapses lately while on the road, and this is new for you.” And this could be the make-or-break point in the dialog. But assuming he seems ready to keep listening, or better yet, asks for some examples, be ready to talk about his rolling through the intersections, the pickup incident, etc.
You should prepare yourself to accept that your observations will not be well-received. A response such as “You should talk; you’re no paragon of safety either” likely means, I’m not ready to deal with this, though it’s possible that after he’s had time to ruminate on your remarks, he may be able to give them more credence.
On the other hand, your shared observations might open the door for a deeper sharing of concerns. While the inattentiveness could be a side effect of aging or changing health, his mind may be elsewhere because of worry about the state of his marriage, the struggles of his grown child, the serious illness of a grandchild or something else. He might actually find some relief in being able to talk about it with someone he trusts. It’s even possible that he’ll say something like, “I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, but until you mentioned it, I wasn’t aware it was affecting my riding safety. Thanks for bringing this up.”
There are no guarantees that this conversation will produce the result you want, but under the circumstances you’ve described, it really is an act of friendship to make the attempt.
Stan Purdum has ridden several long-distance bike trips, including an across-America ride recounted in his book Roll Around Heaven All Day, and a trek on U.S. 62, from Niagara Falls, New York, to El Paso, Texas, the subject of his book Playing in Traffic. Stan, a freelance writer and editor, lives in Ohio. See more at www.StanPurdum.com.
