Monday’s Tour of California stage finished a few miles from where I live near Santa Cruz. I’d planned to be there, till I learned that my company’s new CEO was due to start the same day.

“Welcome aboard, sir,” I pictured myself saying. “By the way, I’m leaving three hours early today to go watch a bunch of guys in Lycra pedal really fast through town.”

“Sounds like fun,” he’d reply. “You’re fired.”

So I spent Monday banging on my keyboard instead of banging on finish-line signage. Rather than get mad at the person who’ll be signing my paycheck, I tried to think about a question he reportedly asked while interviewing for the position: “What are your company’s unwritten rules?”

Pretty good way to gain insight into an unfamiliar culture, I’d say. Which got me thinking about cycling’s unwritten rules, such as:

You’re always in better shape than you say you are

Never say “Yes” when somebody asks, “Been riding much?” The correct answer involves a litany of teeth-gritting frustration starting with 80-hour workweeks and ending with your 6-month battle with the Ebola Virus.

If you don’t pull, you don’t attack*

(*Excludes races. And rides with people who annoy you.)

This one’s about honor and common courtesy. It’s also the most frequently broken rule.

If you have extra food and your ride partner is bonking, you give him some

If your pockets are empty too, you must return at the end of the ride to rescue his body from the coyotes. You can keep his bike.

When you show up for a group ride, your bike is in good working order

You don’t inconvenience or endanger your fellow riders. Second most frequently broken rule.

There’s always someone faster than you

So get over it already.

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If you enjoy reading Scott Martin, the eBook Spin Again contains 181 of his witty, sometimes wacky, and occasionally heart-felt observations on road cycling.